Coincedence or a Sign

On Dec 14th 2009 it will be a year since a dear friend and work mate of my husbands died in a top dressing plane crash. There was really nothing about that day, my husband and Kevin went off to work to sow fertiliser just like many other days. Only thing we had planned was to take our grandson to the club Christmas party that afternoon and they planned on being finished in plenty of time. About 10am or so I got a phone call to say Kevin was having trouble with his plane and had gone to see the engineers and would probably come back with another plane so they wouldn't be finished as early as they thought but still in time for the party. I was spending the morning doing dishes and getting the new bedroom drapes ready for hanging. About noon the phone went again and it was my husband. All he said is Kevin is fucked. I knew exactly what that meant and all I said is I'm on my way. I knew I had to be there to give him support. It wasn't until later that different aspects of events came to mind which I found strange and unexplainable. Not long before that phone call I heard a crash in the kitchen and went to investigate. I had washed two wine glasses and for no reason that I could see one was broken. I didn't really give it any thought other than oh great now I only have one of that kind. Then I went back up to the bedroom to carry on hanging the drapes. The color of these drapes was brown. Kevin's last name was Brown. When I got out to the car to head to the airstrip where my husband was I noticed the small duck that hung off the back side window had fallen off. (First time that had ever happened) Three years earlier Kevin had won that at the local A & P Show and gave it to me. At this stage I wasn't giving any of this any thought but at his funeral it really poured with rain and the clouds were so low that one of the flights was diverted. On that flight were people I knew from conversations with Kevin he would not have wanted there. Unfortunately there were some on that flight that Kevin did have alot of time for who were unable to be at his funeral. THAT is when things started coming to mind. I've always been a believer in things happening for a reason and now I was starting to see how true it was. A few weeks before Kevins accident we had talked about Christmas and I said to him how much I would love having a white Christmas again. The morning after the funeral when we awoke and got ready for our drive home I looked around and all the hillsides were covered in snow. It was only 4 days before Christmas. I still don't know what or if any of this means anything but I do know on Dec 14th 2008 we lost a special friend. He was one of those guys that while saying what he thought good or bad he made you feel like you mattered. You could talk to him about anything and if he didn't know the answer he wouldn't bullshit you but he would find out the answer and come back with his findings. I remember hearing only the good die young well in this case that stands true. The hurt and the loss is there and I don't think a day goes by that he doesn't cross mine or my husbands mind.

To Work or Not to Work

Having a year off from working after selling my business I decided I'd look for a job. Mainly because it seemed the thing to do. There was a new store opening that is something like Home Depot and I thought it sounded exciting being involved in the setup of something new. As soon as I saw the ad in the paper requesting resumes from interested people I sent mine in. I was impressed when I heard back from them after a couple of days asking me to come in. Can't say I was too impressed when they handed me an application for employment which asked pretty much everything that was in my resume. I did however fill it out but left in disgust thinking what a screwed up system they had. At that stage I wasn't certain if I even wanted to work there so when I didn't hear anything after a couple of weeks I didn't really care. Over two months after I first applied they called me to come in for an interview.
While on my way there I got a phone call from another employer asking to come in for an interview. When I arrived for the first interview I was handed a contract for employment. Being the honest person I am I told them I had an interview elsewhere so would have to get back to them about the contract. A couple of days later I went for the other interview but was then faced with a dilemma. The next part of the interview would take place a day or two after I was due to start at the first place. Although I would prefer the second job the first one was guaranteed. I sat down and worked out all the pros and cons of both businesses and came to the conclusion I didn't really want to work but I do want a new bathroom and deck and taking the first job would get me those and even at a discount. So come Monday morning I will once again be in paid employment and reminding myself daily of my reason for working and once I can sit on my deck or relax in my new bathroom I will know it was worth it.

The funny side of having a pap smear

A number of years ago I changed Doctors and was informed I was due for a pap smear. I know these are a necessity for women but that doesn't stop the nervousness or embarrassment of having yourself so exposed. To break the seriousness and fear I was having I decided to do something that would totally lighten the mood. I made up my mind I was going to wear a paper bag over my head. This wasn't as easy as one would think. Grocery stores were now packing groceries in plastic bags so paper bags were no longer an option. In the end I found one buried in a drawer at home. On the morning of going to the Doctors I cut two small eye holes and drew a face on the bag. When I arrived at the Doctors I informed the nurse of what I was going to do and she thought it was a brilliant idea. She escorted me into ab examining room and kept watch at the door for the Doctor to arrive. She let me know when he was coming and I quickly sat on the examining table and put the bag over my head. When he entered the room and saw me he left out a roar of laughter that must have startled the patients in the waiting room. Once his laughter died down he took the bag off my head, gave me a hug and thanked me for making his day. Needless to say I've never had a Doctor laugh so much while doing a pap smear but it was worth it just to no longer have that nervousness and embarrassment. He kept the bag and pinned it to the wall in his office and hopefully had a chuckle every time he looked at it.

Being a Grandparent

Becoming a Grandmother wasn't exactly on my list of thing to do but once the initial shock of being told my daughter was pregnant wore off I became somewhat excited. Through the pregnancy I prayed for a healthy baby but as the days approached for the birth my thoughts turned to my daughter. Because of a back problem she would have a cesarean and with that brought fears for her safety. I knew she wouldn't be awake fore the birth but I was adamant that her and her boyfriend would be the first to meet their new baby. Ryan was almost two hours old before my husband, myself, the boyfriends mother and sister met him but that was fine because all that mattered was that my daughter and her boyfriend met him first and that Mother and baby were doing fine.

Prior to Ryans birth other Grandmothers told me my life would change. I now wouldn't be able to go shopping without buying something for Ryan. He's now over 6 months old and I still haven't fallen into that category of shopping. I have pretty much always shopped on an as needed basis and this doesn't appear to have changed.

I'd like to think the time I spend with Ryan is quality time. I talk to him and he tries to reply by making all sorts of cute but foreign sounds. I enjoy being around him at feed time and giving him his bottle. I've noticed he can be a real time waster. I find myself just watching him and wondering what goes thru his mind. As a Mom when my kids were babies I was busy doing the Mommy thing looking after them, a husband and home and don't remember if I ever really sat there looking at them in almost a trance. When it came time for my kids to have immunizations I never gave it any thought and just had it done. As a Grandmother you question why they are having them and research the benefits and side effects.

I've looked after Ryan quite a few times but my daughter has always brought him to my house. The other day I was visiting them and she wanted me to take him home with me for a few hours so she put the carseat in my car and I strapped him in and off we went. I needed to stop at the grocery store so I got him out of the carseat and put him into the shopping cat and into the store we went. It seemed strange having a baby with me. Once the shopping was finished I put him back into the car and then put the groceries in and headed to my house. Part way home all of a sudden I began feeling really nervous. Just the thought of me being responsible for this little life seemed so overwhelming. I've always been an alert driver but all of a sudden I was looking even closer for dangers wanting to make sure we arrived at my house safe and well. When we arrived at my house I took all the groceries out of the car before taking Ryan into the house. Once inside I sat down with him letting out a sigh and saying to him that I didn't remember shopping with a baby being so stressful and tiring. He just looked at me and smiles and immediately a calmness came over me and I knew that being a Grandma was a good thing.

Being Part of a Group

I listened with interest to an ad on the radio asking listeners if they feel alone since the family has grown up and left home. It says get together with other people and have a chat over a cup of tea or coffee. Then they announce where to go if you are over age 60. Does this mean if we are under the age of 60 we aren't supposed to feel alone and our kids should still be at home? Are our lived supposed to be so full we don't have time for others? I hear of different groups like Garden Circle, Womans Division, Lions Club etc but I have no idea exactly what these groups are all about or even how you become part of these groups.
I've never had a large circle of friends and not real sure how you end up with them or even if I would want to. I've been to cafe's quietly sitting on my own having a latte seeing a group of women having lunch together, talking and laughing and it looks like they are having a good time but once again I sit wondering how does someone become part of that culture.
Quite a few years ago I thought playing golf would be a good way to get exercise and meet other women. I knew someone that belonged to the local golf club and I mentioned a few times that I'd like to learn how to play hoping to hear a reply of hey that's great come on down to the course on club day and check it out. After 10 years waiting for that invite I pretty much had given up. Then one day out of the blue one of the Mothers at my kids school mentioned the local golf club was looking for new members and asked I would like to play golf. I was so excited at last I was going to get that long awaited opportunity. That first day club members supplied well used golf clubs that looked like they belonged in a museum but I didn't care cause I was finally part of a group and I was going to play golf and hopefully make some new friends. I found the women to be friendly enough and they seemed to be interested in who I was. After that first day I went out and bought a second hand half set of clubs and got right into playing. Turns out I was pretty good at hitting a ball. Then again being 39 I was the youngest player, the oldest was 79. Within 6 months I bought a new set of clubs and my handicap just kept coming down. By this time I realised the women all wanted to know who I was but didn't really want to know me so there were no new friends made but I was content just being outside getting exercise and playing a sport I really enjoyed. After about 3 years I ended up going back to work and the clubs sat in the garage gathering dust. There were no phone calls inviting me to come have a game and playing 18 holes on my own doesn't really appeal.
Once again I am not working and my days seem to pass quickly but I can't say they are full. I make lists of things to do so I at least feel I am accomplishing something. I don't hold onto hope that the phone will ring and someone on the other end will be calling to invite me out for a game of golf, lunch or even a coffee but if it happened I'd put down my list and I'd be there just to be part of a group.

WOW Moments

A friend of mine introduced me to what she calls WOW moments. These are the things that make you stop and really look and think to yourself wow that is really something. These could be anything from a sunrise to a spectacular sunset, a rainbow, seeing happiness where there has been tragedy, the surprise on a childs face seeing something new for the first time. We tend to get caught up in our own misery at times and forget to really look around us at the things that make us smile. I know if each day we look for that WOW moment the day will seem to much better. I'm not saying I have achieved this but I am trying and I know it's going to take time before it becomes an automatic thing. This picture was one of my WOW moments justing seeing all the bright colors in the setting sun made me stop and say WOW that is beautiful.

An American in New Zealand

Thought I'd share with you abit more about myself. I am a married woman in my late 40's with a son and daughter and a grandson. I've now been living in New Zealand over half my life but still have very strong feelings for the US. Seems no matter how long I'm here I will never get used to having Christmas in the summer. I don't get homesick as often as I used to but I still find holidays difficult. I think each country has their own ways of celebrating things and the way we spent our childhood is what stays with us. New Zealand is a pretty good place to live and I'm pretty lucky to be near a mountain and the ocean, two of my favorite places but being so far from home I did miss out on some pretty important things and for that I'm kinda sad. But as they say you can't change the past and my path in life took me to New Zealand so this is where I stay.